Sometimes I like to reread previous journal entries. I don’t know why, sometimes I like to see my growth, somedays, as morbid as it may seem, I even want to relive my grief. For some reason I find it healing and therapeutic.
The other day I was reading a journal entry from a few years ago. It was right after I had two back to back pregnancy losses. It was a journal in which I was writing a letter to my oldest daughter. I wrote that after experiencing those losses I was struggling with my self worth. I was struggling with my body image, my self-confidence, everything, wondering if something was wrong with me, if I was good enough. I think they were typical thoughts that every woman battles after experiencing a pregnancy loss. I wrote “I was once so confident in myself and my body and its capabilities, now I’m not so sure.”
And my heart ached for that girl. I say girl, because even though I was already 25 years old at the time, I just feel like I have grown up so much in these past 5 years. Life has forced me to. Isn’t that what life does? I’m no longer that naïve little girl, but a more experienced woman and mother now.
It prompted me to think about my self worth now and how much it has changed in these past 5 years. It has ebbed and flowed, mostly depending on what life experience I am grappling with at the time but it got me thinking.
As a Christian, my self worth shouldn’t ebb and flow depending on my situation. My self worth should be found in God and His word, alone. So I wanted to dig into scriptures to deepen my conviction in my self worth, because Jesus has certainly found me worthy enough. I need to find myself worthy enough as well.
Romans 5:6-8 (ESV) For while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly. For one will scarcely die for a righteous person—though perhaps for a good person one would dare even to die— but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.
I love this scripture because it reminds me that when I don’t find myself worthy, Jesus still does. In fact, he found me worthy enough to die for me. And more so, he sees me in my lowest, ugliest, weakest moments and he still says “Daughter, you are worthy”. He finds me worthy to love and forgive and comfort and nourish and that brings me confidence.
Matthew 18:10-12 “See that you do not despise one of these little ones. For I tell you that in heaven their angels always see the face of my Father who is in heaven. What do you think? If a man has a hundred sheep, and one of them has gone astray, does he not leave the ninety-nine on the mountains and go in search of the one that went astray? And if he finds it, truly, I say to you, he rejoices over it more than over the ninety-nine that never went astray. So it is not the will of my Father who is in heaven that one of these little ones should perish.
This scripture brings me security in knowing that I am worth so much to God that he pursues me when I am lost. I felt this scripture come to life in the months after we lost Levi.
Those first few months were HARD. I was so lost, so distraught, so heartbroken. But even amidst that despair, I could feel God pursuing me. He was going after me just like that lost sheep. He was pursuing me through music, through nature, through the people he would bring into my life, a random text from a friend, a heartfelt gift from someone who was thinking about me, the therapist he put into my life, the grief support group he led me to, any way that he could pursue me, he was. And I am so grateful for his overwhelming love for me. When I felt at my lowest, God still felt that I was worthy of being pursued. He wasn’t going to let me be lost for long.
21 When my heart was grieved
and my spirit embittered,
22 I was senseless and ignorant;
I was a brute beast before you.
23 Yet I am always with you;
you hold me by my right hand.
24 You guide me with your counsel,
and afterward you will take me into glory.
25 Whom have I in heaven but you?
And earth has nothing I desire besides you.
26 My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever.
Whenever I think about my pregnancy losses, I think about this scripture. Especially verse 26 about how my FLESH may fail. I think about it all the time, how my body failed me. And sometimes I feel guilty about it, that my body couldn’t carry my babies.
But you know what this scripture says? Even though my flesh may fail me, God is still the strength of my heart and he is my portion. He is my portion that is sufficient for me. This scripture reminds me that this world is going to fail me, its inevitable. But my hope is beyond this world. My hope is in the maker of this world. And my worth is set in him.
I hope you found these scriptures helpful. I’d love to hear in the comments which one you related with the most!