In my first post, I shared our story of experiencing 2 miscarriages in the span of 6 months. This was the most difficult time in my life. And I often find that when I reflect on difficult times in my life, I can correlate them with periods of growth. So I wanted to do a post on the 3 most important things I learned through my grief.
How to fight
Boy did I have to learn how to fight during this time! I fought for hope, for my family, for my future, for my faith, for my heart. I would say that fighting for hope was the hardest. I had been through not 1 but 2 back-to-back miscarriages. I never thought this would happen to me. I was healthy, I was young, and I had already had one smooth pregnancy. There was no way it could happen to me. So when it happened not once but TWICE, I had terrible feelings of inadequacy. I felt like we would never be able to have babies again. I doubted God’s power and his plan for our lives.
The way that I found my way back to hope, was through fighting for my relationship with God. I had to dig deep in His word to find the encouragement, comfort, and the peace that only He can provide. This was also when I started listening to nothing but K-Love on the radio (and now it’s all that I listen to haha). There were sooooooo many songs that got me through that difficult time. My husband was such a source of strength for me as well. He knows me better than I know myself and knew when I needed to be held and when I just needed to be left alone. There were times I would just go outside, cry, and pray to God. I found comfort in His nature, it was like a reassurance that He was really there.
A scripture that helped me during this time was in Psalm 130: 5 “I wait for the Lord, my whole being waits, and in his word I put my hope.” MY WHOLE BEING, that gets me every time I read it. It’s like my heart is constantly aching for His hope. If you are reading this today, searching for hope, I encourage you to read His word! You will find it!
How to be grateful
I think the number one thing I learned from this experience was how to be grateful for what I already had. So many times I found myself crying out to God “WHY DID YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM? I WANTED THEM!” and as I was sobbing, it was almost like I could hear his gentle reply of “Look at all that I have already given you.” WOAH! Talk about a slap in the face. But I took this to heart because in the midst of my sorrow I really was forgetting all that God was doing and had already done in my life.
I had a beautiful 18 month old baby girl, a husband who loved me more than his own life, a quaint little home, and I had the privilege to stay at home with my baby! I mean come on, yes I was suffering loss, but I had SO much more to be grateful for. So little by little, I started thanking God for everything he blessed me with. And when I started to focus on all God had given me, instead of dwelling on what I thought he had taken away, my whole perspective started to change.
How to surrender
I know know, surrender? But you just said that it taught you how to fight! The point I’m trying to make here is that loss can teach you how to surrender all of your grief over to God. This was something I struggled with for a long time and to be honest, I STILL struggle with it. I constantly went back to the scripture in Matthew 7:11 “If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!” A baby is a good gift, it is THE most precious gift, why wouldn’t God want to give this to me?
What I wasn’t realizing at the time is that God did want to give me good gifts, but in His timing, not mine. OUCH! It hurt. I needed to surrender to his will for my life, not MY will for my life. There came a time where I just had to stop fighting the “why’s” and surrender them to God. I will NEVER know why we had to go through this loss, but I have to be okay with that. I have to trust that God knows exactly what I need to go through to be drawn closer to him. And surrendering to His will and sovereignty over my life is a part of that process.
And almost one year, to the day, after our second loss, we had our rainbow baby. It has been such a joy to watch her grow. One day she will know just how much we wanted her. How I fought to have her. How scared I was when I found out I was pregnant with her, the sighs of relief I had passing through each trimester with her. The love and joy I felt when I finally was able to hold her in my arms. She will know that I would go through all of that pain again just to get to her.
Since I began sharing my story, I have already had people reach out to me that have been through similar situations. It has been amazing to connect with people throughout the world (yes, literally on other continents!) and hear stories of hope and faith. I thank God for my angel babies, and I thank God for the courage he has granted me to share our story because I know it has already been a source of encouragement and strength for others. It is so hard to be vulnerable and transparent but it helps so much to know you are not alone.
Amanda Elize ♥